Most descriptions focus on the “fluffy” side. Perceptive, intuitive, optimistic, high minded…

In more negative terms: (similar minds.com )
creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, prone to quitting, prone to feelings of loneliness, ambivalent of the rules, solitary, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, focus on fantasies, acts without planning, low self confidence, emotionally moody, can feel defective, prone to lateness, likes esoteric things, wounded at the core, feels shame, frequently losing things, prone to sadness, prone to dreaming about a rescuer, disorderly, observer, easily distracted, does not like crowds, can act without thinking, private, can feel uncomfortable around others, familiar with the darkside, hermit, more likely to support marijuana legalization, can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can’t control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic.

They’re always telling my to be a writer or a teacher (or a preacher)… They also claim this to be an highly uncommon result- ranging from less than 1% to 1.25% of the population, but I wonder if this isn’t like a newspaper horoscope that in some sense fits everybody- or almost everybody.If I had read the descriptions for another type first would I identify with it instead? I believe that people are incredibly complex (or is this my idealism shining through?) and each embody every possible characteristic to a degree.

Any ideas?

He was neither dumb (for a hamster) nor fat (especially not in the last few days).  He was very furry- long white hair with gray tips.  I’ve seen them called “teddy bear hamsters”, but he was a Syrian hamster, either way.  He was also the smartest hamster I’ve ever seen and very friendly.  The only person he’s ever even tried to bite was my best friend who stuck her finger in his cage after she’d eaten potato chips (duh).  Potato chips conveniently having been his favorite food.

At three he was coming along in age, running a little slow in his wheel (he ran in the wheel retardedly, sticking his head out the side every time there was an opening- and yes, he was smart, for a hamster), but still looking healthy, perky ears, clear eyes…  Late Thursday night/early Friday morning he laid down in an odd spot and stopped moving.  My husband thought that he was dead and shook his cage to be sure.  The hamster got up, though, barely.  My husband got me out of bed- I guess to see if I knew what was wrong.

It would seem that my hamster had a stroke.  He suddenly refused to use his back legs and kept falling over to his left.  He was shaking all over and breathing heavily.  We decided to put him in the bathroom where it’s dark because that calms him down.  I put some aloe on his paws because we had no idea that these were stroke symptoms and thought that he had broken something.  Every few hours after that I’d hand fed him and brought his water bottle to him.  He seemed to have been improving.  He didn’t refuse to eat and he was able to scoot around his cage.  While at first he would squeak constantly and then only when touched, he had stopped making noises.

This morning I cleaned him- with an ear dropper and some warm water- he hadn’t been able to do that and had somehow become very dirty in the day and a half since he’d fallen ill.  I dried him as well as I could and wrapped him in a towel to sit on my lap so he wouldn’t get cold before he dried.  He kept trying to stand up and finally managed to.  I put him on the desk on the towel and he was able to support his weight and move around some.  It seemed that he may be getting better.

After he was dry I put him back in his cage.  After a while he wouldn’t accept any food or water and then at around 3pm he started gasping for air.  He didn’t make a loud noise, but he opened his mouth wide with every breath.  His eyes got droopy and I knew he was going to die soon.  Instead of watching I left.  When I came back he was dead in that same position.  I guess it was probably for the best.

We buried him at the edge of the woods in front of the apartment.

Poor little hamster

I am assuming that the search, which for some reason unknown to me brought a reader to my page.

My husband and I watched Shirley on Fox News the other night (well, it was a YouTube clip- we don’t actually watch anything on television). I’d provide the link, but I’m not sure which appearance we were watching. It was referenced on another site… Either way, her interviews tend to go much the same way. If you’re interested they are not hard to find. We were pretty amused (I’m pretty sure we watched it last weekend, but that it was much older) by the behavior of the host- he was highly pissed, rude, unprofessional- and of Mrs. Phelps- who would not be rattled. She went on and on with her endless stream of explanations with a half smirk on her face. Really it was hilarious.

I don’t agree at all with the point of view of the family or the Westboro Baptist Church they have founded. Most people don’t (which is well indicated by the fact that almost (if not entirely) all of their membership consists of the Phelps family. The Phelps don’t hurt anybody, physically. They picket and yell and spread hate, but as they claim, they believe the word of God and seem content in allowing Him to rain down His wrath (or take His own vengeance). I have been told by more people than I care to count that this is a manifestation of true Christianity.

Incorrect. The Phelps may know every line of the Bible, as Josh from the Phags for Phelps site states regarding his correspondence with Shirley, but they don’t understand it. If you take a literal, word for word approach to the Bible you will not be left with this hate. To interpret the Bible in the way these people have is to gloss over the vast majority of the teachings of Jesus (upon which Christianity is founded- otherwise, you have Judaism). Jesus taught love and against judgment. We are to follow His example and while He may have been angered by some things there was no hate involved.

You have, on the other hand, Christians like me who also certainly know their Bible and yet gloss over the very clear displays of anger over homosexuality and sexual deviance in general (bestiality, promiscuity, etc..) present in the Old Testament because we are unable to, at the same time have love for one another and hate something, which may be the very core of a person we are trying to love. Frankly, we lack understanding in this area. I don’t know why people are gay, I don’t actually even know what’s wrong with being gay (except for the obvious propagation of the species problem) other than the fact that the Bible says that it is.

If we assume it to be a chosen wrong behavior, much like say… lying, or some other sin that we are all from time to time guilty of then placing such emphasis on it makes little sense. Who petitions politicians to ban lying in the home or work on Saturday/Sunday or (these days) alcohol? Who would require that parents spank their children or that women not wear jewelery (or braids)?

If homosexuality is something different, some state of being or indicative of an evil nature, then outside of complete ostracism and hatred, there is nothing we can do.

We are imperfect. The command is really to have it both ways, to have the complexity to both genuinely and unwaveringly love one another and recognize the wisdom of God’s law and strive in every way to avail it (all without self righteousness and hipocracy), but we seem incapable. There are none without sin.

Many, in contrast with those who see the Phelps as a representation of Christianity, believe that the Phelps are sick and evil- influenced by the Devil. While I can’t see any reason other than insanity to come out with some of the ideas they hold, I have my doubts that they are any less Christian than I am. The Phelps are wrong and I am wrong, but that is to be expected. We are all human. True Christianity is not expressed in us.

Yesterday my classmate committed suicide in her bathroom.  I didn’t know her well.  I don’t “hang out” with anybody because, admittedly, I have developed a very bad attitude over the past year or so.  I did know her, however.  I had talked to her a few times, had her in a couple of classes last semester (and this), walked with her in the million degree heat last summer at orientation when we had to wear suits and walk around downtown.  She was very pleasant and adorable.  When I try to picture her now I see a very small girl with a huge smile.  She was, as my friend said, such a sweet girl.  From my distance, and maybe to most people, there was no indication of depression.

People said she was stressed about school, that her grades weren’t great, that she was planning to drop out.  Honestly, I have no idea why she did it.  What I do know is that I had been thinking about doing the exact same thing for a couple of months prior to yesterday.  I had been thinking about how aimless my life had become and still seems to be since I did not have a very good (okay, horrible) semester last year and will probably at least take some time off after this go round, if I don’t all-out quit.  About how pointless I was and how things would be better for my husband and my parents because my debt would be cancelled and my family wouldn’t have to help me out anymore.  Needless to say, I was in complete shock (and remain) when I found out about this girl.

Why was it her and not me?  She was so young, free, she would have had so much opportunity even if she’d quit law school this week.  Unfortunately, suicides among law students and attorneys is not terribly uncommon.  Why doesn’t somebody fix whatever’s wrong with the system?  Why isn’t there any means of weeding out or at least providing a little more insultation for those of us with- for lack of a good descriptive term- delicate psyches?  Why didn’t this girl have some aspect of her life- some relationship or situation- strong enough to keep her alive?  A million questions have gone through my head regarding this and I’ve come across a disturbing answer in asking them aloud.

People are disgusted by suicide victims. 

I call them victims because something else is at fault.  I know exactly how it feels to want to die, but more than that, to see no other option.  I had an, erm, intentionally failed pregnancy a couple of years ago.  On top of the burden of the guilt- and I was certainly guilty, I made my own choices no matter how much blame I have wanted to put on others (but that’s irrelevant)- something in my brain chemistry was altered for about six months.  I wanted to kill myself.  Even when I wasn’t consciously depressed or thinking about it, I wanted to die.  I thought I should die, and I constantly thought about dying.  I was afraid of myself because at the times when I thought about dying my mind could not bring forth any reason not to.  Basically, I was convinced that it was the absolute best thing to do and that eventually I was going to do it.  (Obviously I managed not to and then the physical aspect passed and the depression receded.)

I say all this to address some now apparent misconceptions about suicide.  People believe that suicide is “taking the easy way out”.  There is next to no way that people who say this could ever have experienced the misery associated with truly wanting to kill oneself.  Saying that a suicide victim took the easy way out by dying is akin to saying that the starving person took the easy way out by eating.  At that point in time, death seems absolutely necessary.  Life seems absolutely worthless.  It is illogical to expect a person to want to continue living under those circumstances and cruel to expect them to.

People seem to believe that suicide is impulsive and almost accidental.  Maybe that is the case sometimes, but as mentioned above, I know from experience that it can haunt you for months or years, looming ominously over you much like any “real” physical threat- like being stalked.  Most people give indication that they are wanting to die (that they are in trouble) for long periods before they finally do kill themselves.  They want to be helped.  Every single one of us will come to a point somewhere in our lives where we need help outside of ourselves.  These people want somebody to take the threat away, to make their minds or their lives okay.

People are angered by suicide because it seems selfish and almost always leaves grieving, and sometimes traumatized survivors.  This is understandable if you carry the above view.  If you view suicide as a poor irresponsible choice on the part of the deceased that they had some real power to not make, then anger and disgust make perfect sense.  However, if you consider the obvious pain and whatever factoring circumstances the victim was dealing with it would also seem unfair to require them to live.

That is not to say that death is the answer.  Things can always get better.  Depression can pass, life can and at some point, will become worth living again.  Until that point, though, people need help and support- not the anger and disdain that they either get or expect to get because of these incorrect beliefs.

There is a lot of self righteousness apparent in attitudes toward mental health issues.  It is likely that these words will fall on either deaf ears or the choir and make no difference at all, but I wish that we would set aside judgment and realize that depression is an illness, that it is curable, and that suicide is what happens when one dies from that illness.  It may not have helped this girl specifically, but the stigma needs to go.  It is certainly not helping anyone.

Of course, I make new enemies online on a near daily basis as it is, but I just don’t have the interest in doing so intentionally.

As alluded to in my first post, I’m really interested in finding another way- a much happier and more pleasant way- to conduct my life. 

The article is written in an highly offended manner and claims everything I wrote in the previous post is irrelevant and- in summary- ignorant. I can’t entirely understand his point as my intention was to illicit response from readers and not to make any sort of argument in either direction.

Regardless, it is fascinating that he read my post and actually wrote about it on a mainstream website. I am guessing he found my post an “easy target”. Nonetheless, I am slightly humbled and a little confused. Still, I can’t complain. I certainly meant “open”.
Check it out:

http://atheism.about.com/b/2008/01/28/open-response-to-an-offended-internet-theist.htm

What exactly is the problem- for you- with religion?  Why do you rail against a God who “doesn’t exist” and the “silly immature notions” of millions, no, billions of believers who personally have nothing at all to do with you?

 I know these are not horribly original questions, but I would genuinely like an (honest) answer to them.

 You are thrown into a tizzy at any mention of church, God, religion, worship, prayer…  Somewhat amusingly, this reminds “us” of a cinematic demon encountering holy water.  Why do you care at all when you don’t believe?  What is it that has filled you with this seething hatred and disgust?

I have been harrassed by evangelicals, told repeatedly as a child that I would burn in Hell for ____.  Forbidden from hanging out with my best friend because I was not of the proper religious persuasion.  I have read the Old Testament- repeatedly.  I have read the Quran.  I learned the same history as you.  I know exactly where your trouble with religion comes from.  What I don’t see in my assessment of you is an ability to view the whole picture and to seperate corruption from intent or proper practice.

Assuming all religion is false- it makes people happy.  Certainly, it makes some people miserable, guilty and angry, but on a whole, it makes people happy.  This is particularly true in difficult situations, such as the death of loved ones, or financial difficulty.  I can think of no reasonable argument that belief in an afterlife or in a loving providing higher being are negatives.

That which you hate is a corruption of the religion you profess not to believe in.  I can only speak from a Christian perspective because I am an outsider to other religions- A Christian is supposed to follow Jesus, Jesus taught love, peace, and proper living; not judgment and fighting.  Christians are to leave the judging to God and love and pray for everybody (this basically equates to the secular “wishing them the best”.  I know some atheists who are offended by the notion of prayer because they believe it denotes a “holier than thou” or “better than you attitude”.)  While the specific things we may pray for seem bizarre and stupid to you- things such as salvation and being right with God- this is our view of what is best.  I (and many many other religious people) pray that your life will take the absolute best possible route, and I personally believe that to be the route to Jesus.  However, if I am praying properly, I am merely asking that God’s will be done in your life, which is exactly a whatever is best for you request.  At risk (and not really caring- some things need to be said) of sounding perfectly self-righteous- do you ever “wish me the best” or send positive thoughts my way?  Or the way of any pathetic misguided religious people?

There are judgmental Christians and there have certainly been wars fought and deaths caused over all religions, but the same can be said of those involved in repressing those religions.  These are evidences of corrupt people abusing power.  This has little to do with religion- even if the practices were carried out by large numbers of people, they were wrong.

So, I would like an explanation.  I am interested in understanding this perspective, as I’ve never been able to empathize with it.  Let me go ahead and state- I will not enter into an argument with anybody and will not “defend myself” against any childish impulsive responses.  Sure, I have addressed this in an accusatory manner, but would you really have read it otherwise?  If somebody wants to explain sincerely or have a real discussion, I would greatly appreciate your response(s).

Whenever I consider this question personally, what makes me happy (and I have been considering this question a LOT lately), I almost immediately feel like I’m drowning.  The question, for me, brings a deep and crushing sense of hopelessness.  I think- I will never have what makes me happy.  I don’t even KNOW what makes me happy.  People are constantly telling me one of two things. 

            a. You have nothing to be UNhappy about, or

            b. Nobody said you were supposed to be happy.

Obviously contradictory statements, but to be fair, they usually don’t both come from the same person.

I don’t belong to either camp.  I would argue that by definition, I do have things to be unhappy about.  My “happenings” have not been good over the past couple of years.  While it is certainly true that many others have it worse and some have it much, much, unimaginably worse, that fact does not actually cancel out my unhappy happenings.  Still, one can be happy in the midst of horrible situations and unhappy in the best situation imaginable.  So situation does not necessarily bring happiness/unhappiness.  While it is a commonly held belief that “we were never promised happiness”, I would argue with that point both in a religious sense (while Jesus said there would be hardships, He also left us with Joy- the sort of happiness I’m talking about is not situational), and in a secular sense (if life were all misery and there was no expectation of happiness we would have committed suicide as a species as soon as we developed a capacity for unhappiness.)

I believe that “happiness” is there for the taking, that one can live a life of at least relative happiness most of the time, and that attitudes like those listed above keep us from seeking out that happiness because we feel like we don’t deserve it.  That is, not because it doesn’t exist.

Before I go too far down the self-help, take charge of your life road, let me be very honest and lay all my cards out.  I have had a problem with clinical depression since I was seven or eight years old.  It has encompassed a huge part of my life.  I have been suicidal on many occasions.  I also come from what, by world standards, would be considered a very privileged background.  My family, although poor for Americans when I was very young, would be classified middle to upper middle class for much of my childhood.  I had a stay-at-home mother, no daycare, no babysitters, no abandonment issues.  I went to college fully on scholarship.  I married by choice and of my choosing.  All of this is to say that there is likely a physical basis for much of my personal unhappiness.  I have had many traumatic experiences and recently, a seemingly unending streak of bad luck, but I believe that I am often down because my brain chemistry is wrong.

So, now that I have discredited myself, allow me to continue.  I still believe that there is a best, most rewarding, and happiest way to approach life.  I decided tonight to approach this question as I do many others.  I googled it.

A search for “I am happy in life”, to determine what other people claim makes them happy brings the following results:

Kelly McCaleb; http://kellymccaleb.typepad.com/, who has a blog called “my happy little life” cites the sources of her happiness (and to have the urge to call her blog “my happy little life” as opposed to “life sucks” indicates to me that she’s probably pretty happy) as stemming from, among other things

-Her faith (she is a Mormon.  I am a Baptist.  They say Baptists are racist woman-hating bigots.  Since I’ve found that to be completely true of myself *insert eye roll*, I’m not going to pretend I actually know anything about Mormonism.)

-Her family (She has an adorable little girl, and from what I can gather stays home with her.)

-Crafting (apparently, she crafts like it’s a job, sells some stuff.  I can’t determine how much she does manage to sell.  Oh, and because some people actually don’t know what is meant by “crafting” I am a “crafter” I like to glue and sew things together and paint them and make them pretty.  I paint and bead and scrap and knit regularly and try out everything else I can afford materials for.  I used to cross stitch, but I left all that at my mom’s house.  Woodworking is crafting.  Sewing is crafting.  My stepdad makes (and sells) leather belts, wallets, etc.  That is crafting.  I personally think cooking is crafting.  I am especially of that viewpoint because I invent everything I cook, I have followed about three recipes in my life.  I have sold some things, but hardly any.  Then again, I’ve never made a real effort toward it, either.)

            -Star Wars (hmmm, that would be my husband’s department…)

Another random search result (Kelly was actually the number 1 result) brought http://www.gracegems.org/SERMONS2/Miller_home.htm “Secrets of a Happy Home” the text of a sermon by J.R. Miller in 1894.  He discusses, obviously, a happy home.  The requirements listed for a happy home include

            -Christ (naturally)

            -Wise choosing and prayer over a marriage partner

            -Love between spouses

            -“Goodness” (he refers to the character of both parties and later children)

Gayla Trail http://www.makinghappy.com/archived/001200.php  is apparently made happy through

            -Photography

-Gardening (did you hear me sigh over the loss of my mom’s yard to dig in when I got married?)

            -Writing (she’s got a gardening book I have seen in print and was to be featured

on a television series.  I don’t know the rest of the story.)

-Making “shit n’ stuff”… (interesting theme here)

-and cursing

And finally, according to Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters (and Nirvana)  http://men.msn.com/articlees.aspx?cp-documentid=5775755, who according to Esquire also “loves four-letter words”, the secrets of happiness lie in

-Doing what you love (basically, whether or not anybody is there to pat you on the back and without quitting)

            -Family

            -and not partying too hard… (I don’t think I’ll ever be at risk there)

So, my trip into happy land (erm, search results) has actually been highly successful in breaking down my inability to answer the question “What makes me happy”.  What has always made me happy is obviously what makes many other people happy.  I am happiest when I am creating- I love to make things, to paint, to get something looking “right” whatever it may be.  Making things grow makes me happy, as well.  I am happy when I am completely focused, when I can be around my family, when I am in the will of God, and when I am at peace with my husband.  Really nearly all of these things have been missing lately.

The ideal way to live would be engulfed in those things, which make you happy.  But how can that be accomplished?